I don’t remember the first time I heard the phrase, “You can’t love others until you love yourself.” But I do know I’ve had a gripe with it for many years.
The specific origins of this phrase seem unknown. Yet, it has been prevalent within the psychology community and beyond for many years. Its relevance is evident in articles ranging from 2021 to 2025 on Psychology Today, along with celebrities such as RuPaul, who states the phrase as his ‘mantra’ and repeats it throughout his competitive reality TV show, RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Nonetheless, the saying nagged at me. I didn’t understand: How could someone love themselves before loving their friends?
There is something so intrinsically beautiful about loving your friends. Yet, when I was muddled with my own struggles, I took the quote literally, contemplating whether or not I could love my own friends. Even though I knew I was adamant about adoring my friends, I began to have doubts: Could I actually love them if I wasn’t sure how to do it myself? I was afraid I wasn’t meeting the expectations on how to care for my friends, a fear I didn’t know how to work through other than wallowing in it.
At the time, I did not epitomize mental health. The world was knee-deep in the pandemic and my struggles with anxiety and depression became amplified. I had lost self-esteem and became full of self-loathing. I didn’t think loving myself was possible in the near future, but I knew I could still care for my friends deeply.
My love for people, and especially my friends, was important for me to express. In accordance with this phrase, however, that should have been impossible for me.
Nonetheless, it was only because of my friends that I eventually learned to love myself. My friends were the ones who taught me what it can mean to love myself as I am. I don’t have to be perfect for my friends, my music taste doesn’t have to be the same as theirs, and my friends and I don’t need to share every opinion, but I’m still a person worthy of love and care. They helped me grow by staying at my side and counting on me as a friend who cared just as much about them as they did me.
By leaning on those I cared about, especially my friends, I was able to grow because they reinforced the fact I was loved.
Although it's a bit sad to admit, if I had tried to love myself when I was doubting my love and care for my friends, I would have learned to love a twisted version of myself. And if I had waited to love myself fully, I would have waited a long time to become a person I believed I could care about.
The reality is you don’t have to wait to love yourself. Loving others doesn’t have requirements, and neither does loving yourself. Although I’m still not always confident or perfect at loving my friends, I know I love my friends immensely. The friends I have now are people I want to treasure for the rest of my life, and it is because of my appreciation for them that I can love myself, too.
The best way to appreciate and show your care for yourself or others is by letting yourself grow and learn. I love the best version of myself as I am now because of my friends — because I let myself enjoy life with the people I love most.
Q Acosta is a photographer for The Beacon. He can be reached at acostaa27@up.edu.
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