It's 9 a.m. You're laying in bed, avoiding the inevitability of getting up and preparing yourself for the long day ahead of you. To waste time, you commence your morning social media routine: Instagram first, then Facebook, then Twitter, and then you open Snapchat, hoping that seeing your friends already up and about for the day will be that final push to get you out of bed. But procrastination takes hold as you come across Cosmopolitan's weekly horoscope.
You read yours and find the least vague sentence in the long paragraph prescribing you a very generic future. You latch on to a sentence like, "The movement of Venus, the planet of love and beauty, into your zone of communication on Friday, indicates that exactly the right people, ideas and information will fall into your lap exactly when you need them."
"Wow, they totally get me," you think.
But I'm here to inform you that those guys over at Cosmo are total clowns. Here at The Beacon, we take our astrology very seriously. We don't fool around with generic sounding, vague predictions that could happen to anybody. As living editor, I have dedicated myself to the craft of horoscopes so that I can be pinpoint specific in telling you exactly what will happen to you this week.
So read with caution, you may not like what we're about to tell you.
DISCLAIMER: Some of the statements in these last few paragraphs might be construed as "alternate facts."
