7 Cover Letters You Wish You Could Write

By Rachel Rippetoe | January 16, 2017 2:54pm
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by Sam Keeler / The Beacon

It’s internship hunting season and you know what that means! It’s time to dust off that old resume and make room for that giant mound of stress that has been slowly accumulating since your search began.

Job applications are just stressful in general, but if there were an award for the most tedious, stress inducing and often downright cruel aspect of applying for an internship, cover letters might take the cake.

The truth is, there is no perfect formula for writing a cover letter, or making a resume for that matter. You can talk to 15 different people and it’s likely that they’ll all tell you something different. Companies ask for the impossible: tell them everything they need to know about you in 500 words. It’s enough to make you contemplate pulling all of your hair out.

To keep your hair in tact, here’s a nice dose of empathy. These are the cover letters we know you wish you could write.

To whom it may concern,

There is literally nothing I can tell you about myself in this one measly, wasteful sheet of paper that you could not discover by reading my carefully crafted and designed resume, the 10 hand-selected pieces of work in my portfolio, or the variety of letters of recommendation I have provided you with.

Please refer to those and end this tedious form of torture that is a cover letter.

Regards,

Rachel 


Dear Karen Lastnamehereface,

Karen, can I call you Karen? Let’s talk woman to woman for a second. I know I’m qualified for this job. From my extensive resume and portfolio, you likely know that I’m qualified for this job. Heck, from my glowing letters of recommendation, your poodle Sharon (I’m naming your imaginary dog Sharon, okay?) KNOWs that I’m qualified for this job.

So let’s cut the bullsh*t. What can I say in this letter that will make me suddenly unqualified? What can I say that would make me qualified if I wasn’t ALREADy qualified? Anything? No?

You see Karen… I’m a busy gal. I’m a full time student, I have a job, occasionally a social life and since we’re being honest here, this isn’t the only internship I’m applying for. So why must you add this EXTRA piece of stress to my life? Isn’t a resume good enough for you? My resume is beautiful and hand crafted. I even have cute little icons that I placed above my Facebook and Twitter addresses.

And let’s talk about you for a second. Because I don’t even know you Karen, but I care about you. I can tell that you’re just as busy as I am, probably more. And I value your time, I really do. It genuinely irks me that you have to read thousands of these page-long piles of bull crap day in and day out. What a waste of your time! You could be out in the sunshine walking Sharon!! Why should you have to read both a cover letter AND a resume when a solely a resume would suffice? It’s an outrage! I think you and I should band together and start a movement. Let’s put an end to the madness!

You will need to hire me immediately so we can begin work on our anti-cover letter manifesto. Please feel free to contact me at (615) ***-****.

Regards,

Rachel


Dear hiring team at Job Industries,

To express to you what a wonderful candidate I am for this position, I will use words that are definitely my own. I definitely wrote this. Please enjoy this very articulate and original depiction of how I feel about being considered for this position and why I am very qualified for this job:

Work, work, work, work, work, work

You see me I be work, work, work, work, work, work

You see me do me dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt

There's something 'bout that work, work, work, work, work, work

When you a gon' learn, learn, learn, learn, learn, learn

Me na care if me tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired

Join me I deserved it

No time to have you lurking

If I got right then you might like it

You know I dealt with you the nicest

Nobody touch me, in the righteous

Nobody text me in a crisis

I believed all of your dreams are duration

You took my heart and my keys and my patience

You took my heart off my sleeve a decoration

You mistaken my love I brought for you for foundation

All that I wanted from you was to gimme

Something that I never had

Something that you've never seen

Something that you've never been

But I wake up and everything’s wrong

Just get ready for work, work, work, work, work, work

You see me I be work, work, work, work, work, work

You see me do me dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt

There's something 'bout that work, work, work, work, work, work

Duh, duh, duh, nana nana nana

When you a gon' nah nah nah nah nah nah

Before the table turn, turn turn turn

I hope this message has given you a glimpse into how creative and insightful of an employee I will truly prove to be in working with this corporation.

Regards,

Rachel


To whom it may concern,

Honestly, if I was you, I wouldn’t hire me.

Regards,

Rachel


To whom it may concern,

Let’s not beat around the bush, I’m the best. Hire me.

Regards,

Rachel


To whom it may concern,

If you don’t hire me, I will cry and listen to “Landslide” on repeat in my room and make all of my roommates go crazy. I urge you to seriously consider the impact on my roommates’ emotional well being in selecting candidates for this position. Seriously, there is such a thing as too much Stevie Nicks.

Do the right thing and hire me.

Regards,

Rachel


Dear hiring team for extremely competitive and way-out-of-my-league internship,

There’s no way I will get this job. The people who I asked for recommendation letters from laughed at me when I said I was applying. There’s clearly some kid in Omaha with a crazy high IQ, who can play the piano with his feet and solve math equations with window chalk and knows how to spell Czechoslovakia without looking it up, that is way more qualified than I am.  

But while I have your attention for a moment, assuming that you didn’t look at my resume first, have yourself a good laugh, and then throw the rest of my application in the trash, I’d like to direct you towards these very funny Joe Biden memes. Because I’m sure you’re reading a lot of these today, and I think you could use a laugh, assuming that my resume didn’t provide enough hilarity. Here they are:

Wasn’t that fun? Have a good rest of your day!

Regards,

Rachel

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