The mysteries of attraction

I know I’m not the only one that has spent years researching in the pages of shiny magazines or clicking through bad Internet sources attempting to unravel the mysteries of attraction.

I’ve sat through seminars and lectures explaining the psychological reasons, the biological reasons and the sociological reasons. I’ve studied poetry and I’ve read the great romantics. And I still feel like I have more questions than answers.

Not that those explanations weren’t informative.They were. But none of them satisfied my desire to truly understand that specific moment. I had to believe there was something more going on there than provocative scents, strong features and bright smiles.

The “Hot or not” moment.

The “I want to spend more time with them” moment.

The “People write poetry about this” moment.

I’ve asked my friends “Why?” after they declare “So and so is hot.” What specifically? Are we talking biologically? Are you attracted to their strong jaw? Full figure? Swooshy hair? Blue eyes? Brown eyes? Petite figure? Muscular arms? Are they putting off an energy you are taken with? A scent?

The responses I receive are often a blank stare or a shrug or a “Just look at them!” I think this is where biology or psychology or what-have-you can step in and explain a thing or two... but what about the energy of that moment?

That, “For she had eyes and chose me” moment.

The moment people write songs and plays and books about, and study for a lifetime in labs and personality studies, and conduct polls to try to explain it, that energy - that feeling.

I listen to my friends rattle off laundry lists of the type of people they are into physically, and yet I watch their eyes linger on people that don’t look anything like that prescribed list of characteristics.

Maybe we are all a little lonely for something we don’t even know we are lonely for.

“There’s something about them.”

It seems necessary, deep within them, something inexplicable. I’ve felt it too. A drawing, almost magnetic, maybe an energy towards someone else, seemingly a stranger.

Maybe I’m making it too romantic. Maybe the sciences aren’t allowing it to be romantic enough.

In a previous column I cited a poll done about millenials (of which we are considered a part) that listed ‘personality’ as the most attractive thing to people our age.

Is it, though?

We certainly aren’t caring much about personality as we climb in and out of people’s beds or locking lips at bars or dancing wildly at Barrel Room. The magical moment of making eye contact with someone, burning deep with attraction, in most cases, isn’t followed by an all-night conversation about our existential desires and what makes our souls sing.

Maybe our attraction to personality comes later, when we are more focused on someone to spend our days with than someone to fill our nights. However, in the best cases, this would be the same person.

Maybe that instant attraction that moment of burning energy - that rip-your-clothes-off, make-out-in-the-alley, I-need-you-now energy - isn’t really romantic at all. Maybe this is the part where all the biologists and psychologists are nodding their heads solemnly.

I unfortunately remain with no true answers for the ultimate question of butt-or-personality or brains-or-buffness or whatever.

However I will tell you this, every time I read the great writers, I feel like I’m getting a little closer. Every time I listen to a friend speak about this moment or watch it unfold, I feel like I know a little more. Every time I sit in a lecture and listen to brain function explained to me, I feel closer and every time I read another study I feel I know more.

Maybe the answer is to read and listen.

Maybe the answer is purely science.

Maybe, like most things, it’s a little of both.