By Cassie Sheridan |
When I left for Salzburg my sophomore year I couldn’t wait to start what people continuously told me would be the best year of my life. It was, but it also was one of the most challenging, difficult and introspective years I’ve ever experienced.
Going into my study abroad experience I thought I’d dance ‘til dawn, have no worries and live with ease. I had no idea that my relationship with myself would change.
Even while having “the best time of my life” surrounded by amazing people, incredible food and awe-inspiring experiences, I couldn’t escape myself.
My time abroad forced me to recognize that no matter how far I traveled, no matter what I experienced, I would still go to bed and wake up every night with only my thoughts.
I can’t tell you a picture perfect story of the sun setting during a lone walk and suddenly I ‘knew’ myself. That’s never what happens. It was instead a steady increase in my ability to not only be physically alone but also mentally, and still be okay. Not just okay, but to actually enjoy my own company.
Previous to this, I wasn't good at being alone. I used to fill the cracks of my selfhood in with other people and spent years of my life being terrified of creeping thoughts at 2 a.m.
The best thing I did for every relationship in my life was to spend more time with myself. And that is the truest sentence I’ve ever written.
Last Saturday, I had a conversation under a starlit sky on a swing-set while eating Heavenly Doughnuts about taking breaks from incredibly intimate and intense and everything relationships. About how scary it can be to say goodbye, but also how necessary it is for both individuals to learn who they are outside of that emotional bond.
Growing apart and coming back together is the foundation on which I have built some of the most incredible relationships in my life. Taking a break and growing apart has also been a dagger in a few I thought I wanted forever.
“Taking a break” often gets a bad rap (thanks Ross and Rachel).
If your concept of “taking a break” is to treat your newfound freedom like an all-you-can-sample sex buffet, great! Just don’t ignore your thoughts when you realize the options are becoming stale and mundane. That’s the moment for self-reflection.
The other side of the “taking a break” dichotomy is the oft cliched “taking a break to find yourself” - which can be a powerful prospect when done correctly.
Either way you want to live it (sometimes it’s a cocktail of both) it has the potential to be the most positive thing for yourself.
Sometimes you realize your ex was terrible for you, and sometimes you realize they were everything you want. If you don’t make the effort to learn the sounds of your own mind, how are you truly ever going to understand what it’s telling you to do?
I’m unsure if I actually know my wants and my desires better than I did before Salzburg, but I know that I am no longer afraid to listen.
Saying goodbye to the person you thought was everything in an effort to learn more about yourself can be the most terrifying gut busting experience, but it can also be the most gratifying.
Self-reflection doesn’t have to happen through meditation or yoga or long moonlit walks - all things I am personally terrible at. Just choosing to lay in bed with yourself, instead of with Netflix or the Internet or your cellphone or a person whispering in your ear, will force you to listen.
Try it sometime. It may change your most important relationship - the one with yourself - for the better.
